Lists

Happy Thanksgiving all! Now beyond all the seriously effed up origins of this holiday (cough-genocide-cough) I really do enjoy this day every year. I guess that's in-part to the fact that living all alone leads to a lot of pasta/sandwich/ramen/odd dinners. I love home cooked food more than anything and I personally love to cook, but when there's only you, it can be hard to keep fresh ingredients around. Things go bad before I can eat them, and I loathe wasting. So in the end, I only buy certain things, in set amounts that I know I can eat before the next time I go shopping.

Anyways, I love going home for some mother-made meals! It gets even better when I realize that I can have these immense, delicious meals and not have to wash all of the dishes afterwards. I know that's probably a little selfish of me, but hey... I'm used to having a dishwasher to do those sorts of things, or a mother that did them herself until I was older. Here, I've been washing my own dishes for so long. Yes, I do realize that  I  make most of the dishes dirty myself, but sometimes when I have people over for dinner, I'd love a hand in cleaning that mess up... but I'm by my lonesome. So going home is a treat in that aspect too, I can just eat, enjoy myself, and have fun.

I'm wondering if I've outgrown the days when every time I interacted with my mother, especially on holidays and special occasions, we'd get into catastrophic style arguments. Literally, every single holiday. Oh the teenaged years. I should have learned to pick my battles. Thankfully (ah ah see what I did there?) I think I've surpassed those years and going home is a really exciting moment for me. Thanks for hanging with me Mum, I know it wasn't easy.

So now onto the good part, the people in my life that I am thankful for: my family, Kemmif, Zy, Sarah-ra-ra &Ryan, my BL (Lea Joy), Nikita, Erika, ALL of my work friends (both jobs too), Lucas, Panza, Theo, Hub & Flash,  and far too many other people to list. You guys should know I'm not good with lists. I think I have a perfect list in my head, but then I go to write it and I forget half the things, think of new ones, or downright lose my train of thought. Then I look at the list and think 'what a pathetic little list, people are going to be wondering why you even bothered, it just looks silly.'

Yeah, thanks brain. I guess journalists or writers are never satisfied with the look of our own work. We always push for perfection.


Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you have a happy, warm, and safe one. I know I'll be spending mine playing the new Wii-U with my family and boyfriend at my parents house.

Oh and happy first day off in 18 days. Yay!

November: the Month That Wasn't

Hey guys,

So I'm just sitting here wondering what ever happened to November. Of course, it comes every year, but as I get older I'm noticing that it is growing less and less important. Okay, for instance, I've been seeing obscure Christmas advertisements since September. Why is it that businesses need to saturate my days with Christmas ads? As if I don't already know that it's coming up... as if I don't know that I'll be spending far too much on presents this year. I just don't understand.

Not only are the ads under my skin, the holiday music is ALREADY playing everywhere. It's freaking November. You know the month before December? Yeah it still exists. I adore Christmas music, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but after a while it really wears on my nerves. I guess I don't understand why it has to play all the time.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving next, sorry America. I like to take my holidays one at a time and I definitely do not like to rush anything. This world is constantly urging me onto the next thing before I've finished with the first. It's just not natural and certainly not for me. I'd rather slow down and take my time, but apparently that way of thinking has long since died out. It's unfortunate because I think people would be far less stressed out if the world just slowed down, even just a little bit.

Personally, the holidays are a very expensive time for me. Not only is there Christmas to buy for, but my anniversary with my boyfriend is three days later. So double gifts must be bought and thought of, which is the worst part for me. I can't always think of things that people would want and they usually don't give me any hints. It's just stressful, when it really shouldn't be. I miss my childhood when things were so much simpler. I want THAT holiday season back, please?

So happy November dear readers, try to enjoy it without THE holidays looming over your head. I know I'll be sitting back, eating some turkey with my family and enjoying the time we have instead of thinking about something that is a month away.

Skin

Sorry I haven't written in a while guys, I've just been feeling very... awkward. Almost as if I can't think of things to say about anything anymore. It's really bothering me, especially since writing is one of the only things that keeps me sane anymore.


Lets see... for one thing, the lines on my skin are back with a vengeance. I have a skin condition called Dermatographic urticaria, better known as Dermogaphism. That pretty much means that my skin is allergic to contact with other things. In my case, it's itching, or things that drag across my skin that creates raised lines. It is really embarrassing, especially when I'm out in public. I really just wish that they would go away. The funny thing is, this time last year, they weren't nearly as bad. It's just gross, and what's worse, it grosses out my boyfriend. As if I'm not already super self-conscious about myself, this adds to it. I don't want him to be disturbed by anything about me... so something that is beyond my control is the last thing I need. I could medicate myself, take some allergy medicine every day... but who needs that? I don't like medicines in general, much less the exorbitant costs of the damn things.

I feel terrible.

Oh, and hello winter depression... again.

Mirrors

Well dear readers, I have my first blog follower. Of course it's a close friend, but the discovery of this fact still made me smile (ahoy Sarah!)


 A great deal of tonight was spent talking, and it felt wonderful. It's one of those moments where someone picks your brain and pulls out thoughts and ideas you didn't know you had. It was also one of those times where you can see yourself in the person you're talking with. My friend that spent the greater part of tonight talking through life with me reminds me of me... a better me, but me nonetheless. He's what I wish I could be, outspoken, far wiser than I, and not afraid of anything. We think alike on most subjects and he is always a great one to spark a conversation with because he knows everything. Obscure facts are one of my favorite things and he knows just about as many as I do. His thought processes are similar to mine as well, and that makes being on the same track all too easy.

I'm happy that I was able to vent some of my fears and concerns about this upcoming month. You see, my boyfriend is attempting to quit smoking, and he has never had to attempt this since he began. I'm not sure how he will do, but I am worried. I have faith in him, of course, I just... don't deal well with things like this.

My bed is calling me especially loudly tonight as I haven't turned on the heater for my apartment yet. The temperature is hovering in the low 50's all this week and I'm freezing. After the blistering heat of the last few months, I'm glad for a break, but I wish we could have had a bit more fall weather before it got chilly. I feel like it's going to be a normal winter this year in Pittsburgh. I'd better start digging all my winter clothing and pull out the heavy blankets. I'm such a temperature freak... too hot? Too cold? Never just right.

I guess I'll never be Goldilocks.

Maybe time for a move?

Smoke Rings

Well, I finished reading the Virgin Suicides in two days... it would have taken me less time if I didn't have to do other stuff in between. I could literally not put it down. As per usual, I enjoyed the book far more than I enjoyed the movie... which is one of my favorites. I was absolutely floored by the amount of detail that the author, Jeffrey Eugenides, went into in not only describing the girls as a group, but also as individuals. Each of them were very different and I felt like I knew them by the end of the book.

I chose a really shitty time to start reading the novel, unfortunately. Lets just say that I can't win in war... or in love. Every word I say only harms my case, and only pushes the issue instead of helping... what I am attempting to to. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I worry constantly. And I'm beginning to doubt myself.

The book furthered my sorrows, but calmed me in a strange way. I felt like I could relate to the Lisbon girls. I could always understand their strangled existence. Have you ever felt so caged in that you can barely breathe? You aren't sure what is the cause but the air just has a closeness that simply envelopes your entire being. I've been feeling that way on and off for years now, and to this day I cannot decide the remedy. I also relate to their individual torture. Their parents stifled who they were because they believed it was right. My parent's didn't exactly stifle me (I was far too willful) but, they did not exactly be silent in their judgement and disapproval. To this day, I'm still terrified of disappointing them; I don't think that will ever go away.

I guess I'll never get why they were how they were or hell... why I am who I am, but my best bet is that past experience builds your adult self.

And all I can say, is that I hope things get better... I think I've earned it.

"She kept her face to the floor, moving in her personal oblivion, her
sunflower eyes fixed on the predicament of her life we would never
understand."

Love...?

What is love? No, this isn't an intro to a truly overplayed song. That very question is one of the fundamental and philosophical questions of life. Love cannot be defined by any one explanation and honestly, I don't think there is any one answer. Love is a personal and individual experience for everyone.

I guess, to me, love is

• the smile that lingers on my face when we part ways. 
• the ease that I fall asleep when he's here just because I can hear him breathing next to me.
• the race in my heartbeat when I know see him the first time during the day.
• the way his smile makes my head spin.
• the fact that he's the only one who makes me feel beautiful.
• when we get drunk together and just laugh all night long.
• our 2am dinners and late night tv marathons.
• our inside jokes.
• the way I feel when I hear my phone going off, knowing that he's that he's thought of me enough to pop in and remind me that he loves me.
• how he always refers to me as his girlfriend, not just Emma.
• how he thinks of my very best friends as his too.
• that he makes my apartment seem so cozy instead of small and stuffy when I'm alone. 
• that he wants the best for me.
• that he's my own personal cheering section.
• that he would sacrifice the things he loves the most just to have a future with me

There's millions of other things that make love what it is to me. I guess I just feel lucky in having someone that makes me feel... whole. He's one of those people that just warm up your entire being. He is my sunshine.

Unfortunately, for every story of love, there are still more stories of heartache. Within the past week, I've heard two very different tales of woe; both are friends and both are people that don't have any clue what to do now. The amount of time that you invest into a relationship ties you closer to said significant other, and both of these people invested a lot into each of their relationships. 

Without going into too many details (for the sake of these friends) I'll simply state that from what I do know about the circumstances... my ideas of love have been shot down and burned to the ground.

From what seems like the perfect relationships, there are chances that it will end. The death of a strong relationship saddens me. I worry about my own; if theirs can end, so can mine. No one wants to think that way, but I can't help it. It just isn't fair and honestly, I'm taken aback. Time changes everything, but it's not supposed to change the amount of love you have for someone. 

Maybe I'm just scared of the future, that's always been one of my biggest fears. And all I keep waiting for is someone to assure me that things will be okay, but if I was so certain of those relationships before and I was wrong... could I be wrong about so many things in my own life. I'm afraid of failing already... I don't even want to consider what the future holds. 

I guess you never really know somebody as well as you think you do. 

I just hope that I have better luck. 

Free Writing: 9/24/12

I'm just writing. Not thinking, but writing. Sometimes this helps, sometimes it just makes me more worried. I don't edit what I'm thinking, I'm just continuing to type what is running through my mind. I hate that I haven't been writing lately, that one year I wrote every day. All of that time, effort and ink... gone forever. Why do I give away pieces of myself to people who don't deserve it? All I want is that book back... I want to reflect on who I was, maybe I can figure out who I want to be. I know I'm not what I want to be, but I have hope that I can change. Maybe.

This self-esteem, terrible insecurity issue I have is starting to strangle me, I feel like I can't breathe anymore in my own skin. I feel awkward around my friends because I consider them absolutely gorgeous... what's worse, I can't even discuss this with anyone. I don't want them to think it pains me to be around them, sometimes it does though. They'd blame themselves, I don't want that. I want them to understand that it's my problem, my brain, my struggle.

I keep coming back to the same idea: How can I expect anyone else to love me, if I don't even like myself?

Disgusting thoughts. It's beyond old, I have felt the same way most of my life and yet I still struggle with it. If I can't get past it, and changing is a slow, painful option... I'm not sure where that leaves me. Maybe something will snap and I'll go gung-ho differ myself.

If I can manage to do anything I put myself to, why can't I like who I am?

I hate the passage of time, the vines growing on the side of the house, suffocating what memories are resting there; where my childhood is bright and sunny. The hillside that we played army men and beat the boys every time by out smarting them. The kitchen that smells of whole-wheat waffles and orange juice. The front porch that we watched the summer sun set. It kills me that we can't return to that place that is very much a part of my family's past.

I'm getting to the point of life that life and death are starting to intersect. You only experience this a few times in a lifetime; birth, adulthood and death. Each of those times are times of great celebration: births of babies, new marriages, engagements, new homes and jobs... they are also times of great sadness: grandparents, parents and friends are lost, people die, and chapters end.

I'd give anything to be a child again. The pure bliss of not knowing such sadness, or pain. My childhood memories are hazy, and golden. I was one of the lucky ones, someone who had just enough at all times. I was never spoiled, never neglected. My parents stuck together, loved us with all of their hearts, and gave us every opportunity they could afford.

It was only when I became a teenager when things fell apart. I'm sure I never made it easy, the Aries that I am was and is very stubborn. My parents aren't perfect, and we fought insistently. To this day, that relationship is still fractured, like an old injury; a broken bone that healed, but you can always see the difference in the terrain of your skin. The tiny peak of arched bone in my left foot from freshman year of college. Each time I look at it I see that summer, and each time I think back to the years behind me, there is the ugly cloud covering most of my recent memories. The teenage years were gray and cold.

I am just a person, and these are only words. It may not mean anything to any of you, my dear readers, but this is my life. Things I have stated here, not even my closest friends, nor even my boyfriend are aware of. My throat gets so dry and simply aches each time I try to force out these thunderstorms of my subconscious thoughts. Even right now, as I sit here in my warm apartment, cuddling with my kitty, watching movies and sipping tea, these thoughts are tormenting me. They're always on the periphery of my thoughts and try as I might... they consume me.

Halloween Conundrum

Hey everyone, another frivolous post this evening, but we are less than a month away from my favorite holiday of the year, Halloween. I know what I'm doing for my first costume, but I can't decide what I want to do for the other two or three of them. In case you couldn't tell, I go hard for Halloween. Besides that there are parties going on all month that I want to attend.

Anyways, the first costume is for my Adventure Time party that I'm hosting. My best friend and I are going to be Cake the Cat and Fiona the Human

I think it's the perfect idea because we are those characters, through and through.


These are the alternate costume ideas:

Lumpy Space Princess

Beer Wench

Pirate

Ursula

My own rendition of Oogie Boogie

OR....

Glinda the Good Witch

Too many choices. I wish I could pick... Ugh. Happy Haunting kids.

Found

I found this website a while back that had to do with numerology. I finally got around to reading what it said about me and I found it really interesting. It's like they know me, somehow, someway...

Anyways, here's what it said about me:





Report for Emma, born 30/03/1990.

Your Life Path number is 7.

A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it's not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.

In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration and because there is such a negative attitude. The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or in some way is not being fairly treated. Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.

Your Expression Number is 5.

The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Pinnacles and Challenges

The pinnacles and challenges in your life show your response to your environment during the period of time that these influences are in effect. The timing of pinnacles and challenges are simultaneous, and mark the four phases of your life. The pinnacle number is usually considered a benevolent force, while the challenge number is just that, a challenge during those years.

The first Pinnacle...6

As a young person you are likely to find much duty and responsibility related to home and family. There may be strong feelings of limitations because of these pressures. Ill-advised marriages at an early age sometimes occur. It is a period for you to attend to the demands made on you for family and close friends rather than self. Often, the six pinnacle suggests a person who is under the close dictates of a parent or of some authority figure.

Second Pinnacle...4

With the number 4 second pinnacle, your ability to get ahead and achieve will no doubt be directly associated with your ability to out work the competition. Sometimes, this pinnacle brings a sense of economic limitation.This is likely to be a period of building and steady growth.

Third Pinnacle...1

With the third pinnacle providing number 1 energies a degree of aggressiveness becomes apparent in your demeanor. Your ability to get ahead and develop your talents is limited only by your own initiative. Your achievements are likely to be very apparent to the public and a sense of independence allows you to assume a leadership role.

Fourth Pinnacle...4

With the number 4 fourth pinnacle, any desire to retire or slow down is not likely to be fulfilled. You are not the type to relax and enjoy leisure activities. It is important to work and feel the sense of accomplishment. In some unfortunate cases, economic conditions retard the ability to retire and enjoy life.

Your first challenge, starting at birth and lasting until age 29 is a number 0. The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make their own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers. You will need the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.

Your second challenge, starts the following year and lasts until age 38 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.

Your third challenge, starts the next year and lasts until age 47 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.

Your fourth challenge will last for the remainder of your life, and is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.

9/11... Eleven Years Later

Eleven years ago today, I woke up excited to be leaving for vacation after school that day. I was sitting in study hall when a teacher rushed into the room and turned on the tv, the first tower was already on fire. I stared at the screen trying to figure out what movie we were watching that would show such violence. Then I realized that it was truly happening miles and miles away. Then the second plane approached as my heart sank, thinking of all the people that were trapped in those buildings. I just put my head down and cried. People can argue the politics of the matter, the motives, the reasons... but the fact is that 3,000 innocent people who were just going about their day lost their lives... lives that should NEVER be forgotten. Always remember today, for their sakes if nothing else. 

To quote of of my favorite books, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is about a post 9/11 NYC and a little boy who lost his dad to the towers:
“She died in my arms, saying, "I don't want to die." That is what death is like. It doesn't matter what uniforms the soldiers are wearing. It doesn't matter how good the weapons are. I thought if everyone could see what I saw, we would never have war anymore.”

Forever in our hearts, Never forgotten.

You

You are the one who knows every part of me.
You know my every move, my every reaction, my every thought without the slightest prompting.
You read my mind easier than so many others.
You have the ability to make me smile when I feel like breaking down.
You make me feel as if my back isn't against the flames, but merely that I'm pushing through the pain to something better.
You make me feel strong when I  know I am most weak.
You make me feel beautiful when my world is full of people more intensely gorgeous than I could ever hope to be.
You make me feel safe, when I feel as if I need to run for the hills and the sea.
You hold me down, yet you let my head drift in the clouds.
You balance me out.
You are by my side in my favorite memories, and you're in all my future plans.
You have a smile that lights up my entire world.
You have eyes that could make the coldest heart melt, as you've made mine.


Tu es mon ami, mon amour, mon tout. Toujours et pour toujours.

Je vous promets...

The Things We Never Say

I cannot believe that that really happened. Honestly, I have no words. I just want to scream in your face and tell you what I really think of you, but I know it isn't my place. Just know, I'm done.

It's one of those weeks that felt like it would never end, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The cherry on top was some absolutely terrible news that I really cannot discuss. Lets just say that my trust has been shaken.

I am fascinated by society's inner workings; by how people react to one another, by the rankings and rating we label ourselves with, and just the interactions between people. I like to try to analyze why we do the things that we do, and most of the time I can read someone like a book. I rarely am mistaken, but this time I was far from the truth. It completely blows my mind how wrong I was. It also royally pisses me off that in the situation that mattered more than the rest, I failed to notice the small things that were a tattle-tale red flag. Hell, the entire situation is littered with them now that I can take a step back.

It makes me wonder how many other things I could be missing. Especially within my own life, I do not want to be wrong about anyone. I want to know people for who they really are and people are tricky, they love to wear masks.

I have a love-hate relationships with masks, in any sense. I feel like we hide under layers of them every day. Worst of all, I myself are an offender. Sometimes I'd love to be invisible, to not be judged by every person I come across. I'd love to just put on a mask and transform into something... beautiful, at least to society. I'm this nation's sad little underdog... a recent college-grad, living alone, working minimum wage job(s), spending very little money because I have none. I contribute little to this place, and sometimes I just feel like I'm not doing enough.

Getting by isn't enough, I guess.

"Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend."

Day 20 of 20

Today was the twentieth day in a row that I have worked. Now, I'm not doing break-backing work, but honestly... I'm more exhausted than ever. I just want to stay in bed all day, sleeping. Tomorrow is my only day off before another fourteen days in a row. I'm hoping to relax, yet to get things done. I desperately  need to do laundry, but with my injury, that's been impossible.

Oh wait, I need to tell you all about that little bit of insanity. I sprained not one, but both of my ankles simultaneously. Lets just say that sidewalks/curbs do not like me. The many days that I have been working on them have been keeping me in constant pain. Not to mention that I haven't had time to do anything I've really wanted to: house work, doing anything with my photography, or even seeing friends.

My best friend's car is in the shop so I haven't seen her in far too long, especially since seeing friends keeps me sane during these intense work weeks. Therefore the past two Wednesdays (our normal bar night), it's just been me and the boy.

There's nothing wrong with that, but it just feels weird not having the whole gang around. Ken's been keeping me happy through all of this, but I've been just lost.

When no one's around, I'm just... sad. I can't even pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, I just know that there's something. I need something, but what?

"Life is too precious to give another minute to anyone or anything that doesn't make you happy."

The Next Step

So with the craziness of life I've let myself go without blogging for more than a month. Sorry guys, I already broke my promise ... but cest le vie.

My goal has been to start blogging again as a post-college degree grad living in the real world for the first time. I wanted to begin writing again when Point Park went back to classes, and for the first time... I wouldn't be going back. Welp, I missed a few days... but, here I am back in the game.

So now it's September and it is 1:20 in the afternoon and I'm sitting on my bed, writing.

More to come folks, don't lose faith in me just yet.

"It's times like these, time and time again."

For Yesterday

Moments Matter:


This is my missed-post-makeup for yesterday, and the topic is life. Our studio sometimes goes out to the local hospitals to photograph the children in the ICU and other parts of the hospital. There was a picture of a child I'd seen before on one of the counter-tops a few days ago; looking into his eyes, I felt a sense of guilt. For the most part, I'm a healthy, happy, individual with my own apartment, jobs, and life... this poor little boy was stuck in the hospital, maybe permanently. Yesterday, I was about to leave work, when my manager starts taping a photo to the wall, a usual custom in our store, and I looked at the face on the page... It was the little boy. His name was Ryan, and he was two years old when he passed. I couldn't help but to tear up, it is the middle of summer, the weather is beautiful... he should have been home, he should have been crawling around in his back yard with his parents... there are so many things that should have been different.




At the bottom of the photograph, my manager had written,

"Don't ever think what you do doesn't make a difference, because it is more important than you know." 

It's true, touching another person's life really does affect it more than you know.


Not to mention the fact that life is precious. We need to live everyday like it's our last, because you never know when it will be the last one.

I Feel Old

Age:


So today I went to my friend and coworker's graduation party. He's freshly 18 and newly out of high school. Now, I haven't been to a graduation party in forever and certainly not a high school party. I guess it's just weird being so far away from that now. I'm done with schooling, forever.  I have so many choices ahead of me and I'm just stuck in a rut.

Either way, I'm really excited for all of my younger friends. I can't wait to see how they turn out over the next four years. I know that I've made some huge changes over the college years. It's always interesting how people change when introduced into new situations.

In other news, I had a crazy dream again last night. This time it involved the apocalypse, and old friends. There were shadow beings everywhere that were lusting after human skin so that they might try to rebuild what they once were. Even though most of our group had been murdered by these things, I wasn't scared. I'm starting to think it's because of who was in the dream. Maybe they give me an inner sense of security. The funny thing is, that even though they weren't the two people I thought that they should be (aka my boyfriend and my closest friend) they are two people that mean so much to me. But it is strange that my boyfriend wasn't even in the whole dream, only the first half... the prequel to the end of the world, when everything was perfect. Then after the end happened and it felt as if I'd been living in some crazy survival of the fittest style world, he vanished.

I wonder what that means.

Anyways, it got me thinking about the old friends I actually miss. The person in the dream was someone I could tell anything and he wouldn't judge me. We had hour-long conversations about the craziest things. I dunno, I just miss him. He was a great friend and he's one of the wisest people I know. Maybe I can try to rekindle the relationship. Probably not, I feel like it happened for a reason, probably my own fault, and that bothers me.

C'est la vie

"Never put yourself in a situation where you're not sure of where you stand in someone's life."

Sisters

That one best friend that's your other half:

I got to have one of those nights that I crave, an Sarah-Emma night. It's really funny how people can walk into your life, and our story is extremely ironic (I wouldn't have it any other way.) However it happened, she is one of my closest friends and my sister. No, she isn't blood, but she's the closest you can get to it.

We can talk for hours and hours about everything and we agree on pretty much everything. She is very much someone that I can trust with all of my secrets.


We all need someone like that in our lives


And after this week, I needed tonight.

Oh by the way, internet dwellers, I thankfully, do not need surgery on my knee. They recommended physical therapy for about a month. That's a huge relief on my part, but I'm still worried about whether or not it will make a difference. I hope so...

Back to less upsetting topics, Sarah and I came up with a brilliant plan to pass the time. We decided to open an Etsy store, and make different crafts to sell while we're trying to make up money to achieve our other goals like The Garden.

Tonight I'm suffering from terrible writer's block... so I'll catch up with all of you later.

"Best friends are like one soul sharing in two bodies"

Annoyances

Comparisons:


We do it every day, constantly. She's prettier than me, more girls hit on him, they're always out having fun, they're more popular... and there's so many more things that we think of each and every day. It's really gotten under my skin as of late because I realize that I'm constantly comparing myself to others and it's killing my self-esteem.

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.

 Tonight I'm stressing about my knee and what the doctor is going to say to me. I'm worried about how much money I'm going to lose by not working for X-number of days... weeks. I'm worried about bills that will roll in, through sickness or health. I'm not sure if I'll be left alone to care for myself during this, or if I'll be burdening my family, or boyfriend. 


It always seems like when I need people the most, they vanish into their own worlds, into their own problems. It bothers me that when I reach out for someone to care about me, or my world, the people I'm reaching for turn their heads. It bothers me more that when other people post even the smallest complaint, other people jump to their aid. What makes my problems, or even worse, me less important than them? Do you all not realize how much that hurts my feelings?

"I'm afraid that if you look at a thing lone enough, it loses all of its meaning."

Tonight, the people that reached out to me, surprised me. A high school friend, someone whom I've never even met in person and someone who I've known for years... people that I never would have expected to care as much as they do. Especially the guy I've known, on and off, since we were about 16 years old. Why should he care more than people that in the past few years have worn the title of 'best friend'? Don't get me wrong, it means more to me that any of them probably realize that they are there... but it truly angers and saddens me that certain people don't give a damn about me. 


I guess maybe I should take a hard look at my life and the company I keep. I have a lot to think about tonight.


To those of you who tried to cheer me up tonight, I hope I can repay you someday.


And to that "on and off again friend," even if you don't care as you claim, you still cared enough to talk me out of the extreme sadness I was feeling when I posted that status. Thanks for always being my DJ, and always getting songs stuck in my head for days.




Here's to tomorrow and the uncertainty of life. I'll let you, whoever you are, know what happens.

"I tried to forget, but you grew roots around my rib cage and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones. All day, I pick at their petals, but I have not yet ascertained whether you love me or not."

Happy Birthday Amurika

La La Land:

A few drinks in, and a few good friends, and I'm so excited for life. I'm in the middle of the party and I'm just contemplating life. It's just so strange anymore. Very definitive lines have been drawn between everyone and crossing them is difficult. I just wish that things could be the same [Jess says hello.] but I'm well aware that the past is the past and it shouldn't effect the future. I just am over all of it, if I could restart things and do things differently.

I hate when things remind me of everyone too. Memories glorified in a hazy mist make me even more angry that things aren't the same.

...

Ugh I literally just spilled wax EVERYWHERE. I'm too pissed off to continue writing, so I'll be continuing this blog post later.

Om Nom Nom

Late Night Improvised Food:


So over the past few weeks, I feel upon some tight times with money and wasn't able to go grocery shopping for a while there. Anyways, you get pretty crafty when forced to and I invented some amazing meals out of all of the left over ingredients that were in my cabinets. Consider me a chef under pressure. Well, I figured I would share my inventions with all of you. Maybe one day I'll write a cook book of sorts; hopefully I can remember everything that went into the dishes.

Noodles and stuff:
Boil some noodles, any kind will do. I sauteed some green peppers, onions, capers, and garlic in another pan. Then I made a rue within that veggie mix, and added some spices like Cumin, Oregano, Cilantro, Chili Flakes, etc... pretty much all the spices in my pantry, and continued to let the vegetables sweat. Then I drained the noodles and added them into the other pan. I topped it with mozzarella cheese and it was done! I've got to say for as little that went into it, it was delicious.


Steak Sammich:
Here I used some steakums, but I had to spice 'em up a bit. This time I only used the garlic, onions and capers in the saute. I broiled some pepper jack cheese on white bread and added the steak mix to it. Personally I added some mayo and mustard to mine, but my boyfriend and his friend just ate it as was.


More to come, but for now...

Bon appitite mon ami!

Haunted Dreams

Dreams:


Last night I had an incredibly strange dream... the worst part is that it's part of a reoccurring dream that I've been having. It always involves a house, the house is an older one and looks terribly familiar. Sometimes it resembles my grandparent's house,  yet the inside isn't always the same as theirs was. Either way, it's always the same house. Two of my friends have also dreamed about this same house. Each dream is different from the others. I don't know what to think, but I believe that has to mean something.


Last night I dreamt about Kenneth ignoring me. The entire dream he just was aloof and he acted like he didn't even want to be around me. In the end of the dream, he said he'd call me and I told him not to bother. I guess that means we broke up... it was so real that when I woke up, I was so angry and upset until I realized it had been a dream.

"When the waking world seeps into the slumbering one, the line between the two blurs long enough for anything to be possible."

It bothers me that that is what I was dreaming of. Is there something my subconscious trying to tell me? Maybe it's just that if that were to happen, breaking up would be the result. I truly need for my boyfriends to be there for me 100%. I need their love and attention. Always.

Regardless, two other people had a dream about me and Ken last night... how weird is that? Very different dreams, but dreams about us none the less. Maybe it's a sign?

Stay tuned for the next two blogs I'll be posting today!

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

Full Moon Madness

The Full Moon Effect:


I missed  a post yesterday, not that it bothers anyone else but myself. Anyways, tomorrow is the full moon and of course everyone in this town is going crazy. I, myself feel strange. More restless than normal and far more agitated. I could blame a number of things on my astounding frustrations, but I'm blaming the moon. It's crazy how much it effects people. Women especially.

I'm so not prepared to work tomorrow, I just know it's going to be one big hassle. I'm sure no harm was meant by a switch at work, but it more than screws me over. I think I may have a solution, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place. It really wasn't fair to anyone and the manager that approved the change was just trying to piss off the other manager. You're an adult. Act like one.


In other news, my knee is getting looked at on Friday. I'm terrified. I really dislike the thought of surgery, scars, the whole nine yards. I just don't want it to be that serious, yet at the same time if it fixes it permanently, I'm going to suck it up. Until then, it's a struggle between pain management and trying to do things with a braced knee.

Today's Toddler Tutorial went really well and I got a ton of compliments from my managers. It's so rewarding to hear that for once, you don't get that at job numero uno. Only thing is, being on my knees (okay you pervs, not like that...) at job number two kills my injury. I'm starting to wonder if that's what flared up the problem again.

Welp, I think that's enough for now... tomorrow, I'm going to write two entries to catch up again.

"Everyone is a moon, each has a dark side which he never shows anyone."

Chesney's Coming to Town

Sorry for the late post, whoever you are. I just got back from an adventure across town... we picked a terrible night to do so. Kenny Chesney was having his almost annual summer concert tonight and town was FULL to the brim with drunken Pittsburghers. The air literally was scented with the smell of beer. There were people walking on the sides of the highway, and I counted at least twenty cops over the course of the drive.

Anyways, today's topic is:
Pain.


For about the past week or so, my knee has been in such excruciating pain. It locks in either the bent or straightened position and it doesn't seem to like going back and fourth between the two. I have no idea what is wrong with it. The only thing I can possibly think of, is when I hyper-extended it back in high school. I should have gotten the surgery then to correct the messed up cap, but I was too chicken to do so. I guess that's why it's acting up so badly now.

I'm normally very good with pain, but this is just annoying. Sitting in the car for hours with my legs bent and pushed up against the dash board (I have long legs) was killing me! Even as I sit here with my laptop on my lap (who'da thunk it?) is starting to prickle my knee with pain. I have no idea what to do about this. Surgery would be the smart move and would probably prevent future damage, but I can't afford it.

I just graduated this past spring, my loans are going to start rolling in.

I live alone, so I foot all of my expenses myself.

I work two jobs that I just can't ask for leave from unless something bad happens (ex: when I broke my foot.)

I dunno guys, I just feel like it's hopeless. I just want to wake up one day and hope that it stops hurting... wishful thinking huh?



Sometimes wishes come true, right?

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."

Changes

As a simple introduction, I'm Emma and I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can. There's a lot of things I'm still learning from this world. I like to analyse situations, people, and actions. I find that there is so much beauty in this world if we really look at it. I am a firm believer in keeping some sort of journal, hence this blog. Maybe I won't tell you guys everything, but I'll tell you what matters. Sometimes I suffer from extreme writer's block. I have a lot of insecurities that seem to be intensifying this year. I am still figuring out who I am, especially since I graduated this past spring. That's enough for now I suppose, but that's not to say I won't reveal more in the future.

Today's topic:  http://www.mtv.com/videos/awkward-season-2-ep-1-resolutions/1688636/playlist.jhtml

Awkward.

I adore this show. I started watching it when it began last summer and I could not wait for the season premiere, and MTV did not disappoint. Without revealing anything, let's just say I'm no longer (just) Team Jake... that is to say, I'm Team Jenna. I wish I had her balls, she just made a move that absolutely took courage.

One of my favorite quotes of all-time is:

 "She took the leap and built her wings on the way down."

I always feel like I'm cautiously toeing the lines between so many things. I bite my tongue far too often and smile away the hurt that I feel. I play nice to avoid the endless drama, and it quite frankly makes me sick. I can't figure out if it's just a part of being an adult, dealing with people you really can't stand, or if it's just me trying to avoid confrontations.

"This place is a prison and these people aren't your friends."

Maybe I need to start taking the risks that pop up in my life. You never know until you try, so why am I so afraid to just be who I am? If it bothers people, obviously they weren't meant to be in my life. I know, I know, this sounds like the diary of some middle schooler trying to figure out her life... but you know, I think we never escape who we were back then. To this day, I feel like the same high school girl that was so unsure and scared of everything. Nothing changes unless you make an effort to change it. And I'm going to start changing.

Jenna also was struggling to decide what New Year's Resolutions she should make. It occurred to me that I didn't make one this year.  So I'm making one now, I will work on my issues. How can I ask that someone love me, wholly, if I don't even love myself totally and completely? How can I expect people to want to be around me, when I can't even deal with myself sometimes? 


Things need to change.

I need to change.

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."