For Yesterday

Moments Matter:


This is my missed-post-makeup for yesterday, and the topic is life. Our studio sometimes goes out to the local hospitals to photograph the children in the ICU and other parts of the hospital. There was a picture of a child I'd seen before on one of the counter-tops a few days ago; looking into his eyes, I felt a sense of guilt. For the most part, I'm a healthy, happy, individual with my own apartment, jobs, and life... this poor little boy was stuck in the hospital, maybe permanently. Yesterday, I was about to leave work, when my manager starts taping a photo to the wall, a usual custom in our store, and I looked at the face on the page... It was the little boy. His name was Ryan, and he was two years old when he passed. I couldn't help but to tear up, it is the middle of summer, the weather is beautiful... he should have been home, he should have been crawling around in his back yard with his parents... there are so many things that should have been different.




At the bottom of the photograph, my manager had written,

"Don't ever think what you do doesn't make a difference, because it is more important than you know." 

It's true, touching another person's life really does affect it more than you know.


Not to mention the fact that life is precious. We need to live everyday like it's our last, because you never know when it will be the last one.

I Feel Old

Age:


So today I went to my friend and coworker's graduation party. He's freshly 18 and newly out of high school. Now, I haven't been to a graduation party in forever and certainly not a high school party. I guess it's just weird being so far away from that now. I'm done with schooling, forever.  I have so many choices ahead of me and I'm just stuck in a rut.

Either way, I'm really excited for all of my younger friends. I can't wait to see how they turn out over the next four years. I know that I've made some huge changes over the college years. It's always interesting how people change when introduced into new situations.

In other news, I had a crazy dream again last night. This time it involved the apocalypse, and old friends. There were shadow beings everywhere that were lusting after human skin so that they might try to rebuild what they once were. Even though most of our group had been murdered by these things, I wasn't scared. I'm starting to think it's because of who was in the dream. Maybe they give me an inner sense of security. The funny thing is, that even though they weren't the two people I thought that they should be (aka my boyfriend and my closest friend) they are two people that mean so much to me. But it is strange that my boyfriend wasn't even in the whole dream, only the first half... the prequel to the end of the world, when everything was perfect. Then after the end happened and it felt as if I'd been living in some crazy survival of the fittest style world, he vanished.

I wonder what that means.

Anyways, it got me thinking about the old friends I actually miss. The person in the dream was someone I could tell anything and he wouldn't judge me. We had hour-long conversations about the craziest things. I dunno, I just miss him. He was a great friend and he's one of the wisest people I know. Maybe I can try to rekindle the relationship. Probably not, I feel like it happened for a reason, probably my own fault, and that bothers me.

C'est la vie

"Never put yourself in a situation where you're not sure of where you stand in someone's life."

Sisters

That one best friend that's your other half:

I got to have one of those nights that I crave, an Sarah-Emma night. It's really funny how people can walk into your life, and our story is extremely ironic (I wouldn't have it any other way.) However it happened, she is one of my closest friends and my sister. No, she isn't blood, but she's the closest you can get to it.

We can talk for hours and hours about everything and we agree on pretty much everything. She is very much someone that I can trust with all of my secrets.


We all need someone like that in our lives


And after this week, I needed tonight.

Oh by the way, internet dwellers, I thankfully, do not need surgery on my knee. They recommended physical therapy for about a month. That's a huge relief on my part, but I'm still worried about whether or not it will make a difference. I hope so...

Back to less upsetting topics, Sarah and I came up with a brilliant plan to pass the time. We decided to open an Etsy store, and make different crafts to sell while we're trying to make up money to achieve our other goals like The Garden.

Tonight I'm suffering from terrible writer's block... so I'll catch up with all of you later.

"Best friends are like one soul sharing in two bodies"

Annoyances

Comparisons:


We do it every day, constantly. She's prettier than me, more girls hit on him, they're always out having fun, they're more popular... and there's so many more things that we think of each and every day. It's really gotten under my skin as of late because I realize that I'm constantly comparing myself to others and it's killing my self-esteem.

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.

 Tonight I'm stressing about my knee and what the doctor is going to say to me. I'm worried about how much money I'm going to lose by not working for X-number of days... weeks. I'm worried about bills that will roll in, through sickness or health. I'm not sure if I'll be left alone to care for myself during this, or if I'll be burdening my family, or boyfriend. 


It always seems like when I need people the most, they vanish into their own worlds, into their own problems. It bothers me that when I reach out for someone to care about me, or my world, the people I'm reaching for turn their heads. It bothers me more that when other people post even the smallest complaint, other people jump to their aid. What makes my problems, or even worse, me less important than them? Do you all not realize how much that hurts my feelings?

"I'm afraid that if you look at a thing lone enough, it loses all of its meaning."

Tonight, the people that reached out to me, surprised me. A high school friend, someone whom I've never even met in person and someone who I've known for years... people that I never would have expected to care as much as they do. Especially the guy I've known, on and off, since we were about 16 years old. Why should he care more than people that in the past few years have worn the title of 'best friend'? Don't get me wrong, it means more to me that any of them probably realize that they are there... but it truly angers and saddens me that certain people don't give a damn about me. 


I guess maybe I should take a hard look at my life and the company I keep. I have a lot to think about tonight.


To those of you who tried to cheer me up tonight, I hope I can repay you someday.


And to that "on and off again friend," even if you don't care as you claim, you still cared enough to talk me out of the extreme sadness I was feeling when I posted that status. Thanks for always being my DJ, and always getting songs stuck in my head for days.




Here's to tomorrow and the uncertainty of life. I'll let you, whoever you are, know what happens.

"I tried to forget, but you grew roots around my rib cage and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones. All day, I pick at their petals, but I have not yet ascertained whether you love me or not."

Happy Birthday Amurika

La La Land:

A few drinks in, and a few good friends, and I'm so excited for life. I'm in the middle of the party and I'm just contemplating life. It's just so strange anymore. Very definitive lines have been drawn between everyone and crossing them is difficult. I just wish that things could be the same [Jess says hello.] but I'm well aware that the past is the past and it shouldn't effect the future. I just am over all of it, if I could restart things and do things differently.

I hate when things remind me of everyone too. Memories glorified in a hazy mist make me even more angry that things aren't the same.

...

Ugh I literally just spilled wax EVERYWHERE. I'm too pissed off to continue writing, so I'll be continuing this blog post later.

Om Nom Nom

Late Night Improvised Food:


So over the past few weeks, I feel upon some tight times with money and wasn't able to go grocery shopping for a while there. Anyways, you get pretty crafty when forced to and I invented some amazing meals out of all of the left over ingredients that were in my cabinets. Consider me a chef under pressure. Well, I figured I would share my inventions with all of you. Maybe one day I'll write a cook book of sorts; hopefully I can remember everything that went into the dishes.

Noodles and stuff:
Boil some noodles, any kind will do. I sauteed some green peppers, onions, capers, and garlic in another pan. Then I made a rue within that veggie mix, and added some spices like Cumin, Oregano, Cilantro, Chili Flakes, etc... pretty much all the spices in my pantry, and continued to let the vegetables sweat. Then I drained the noodles and added them into the other pan. I topped it with mozzarella cheese and it was done! I've got to say for as little that went into it, it was delicious.


Steak Sammich:
Here I used some steakums, but I had to spice 'em up a bit. This time I only used the garlic, onions and capers in the saute. I broiled some pepper jack cheese on white bread and added the steak mix to it. Personally I added some mayo and mustard to mine, but my boyfriend and his friend just ate it as was.


More to come, but for now...

Bon appitite mon ami!

Haunted Dreams

Dreams:


Last night I had an incredibly strange dream... the worst part is that it's part of a reoccurring dream that I've been having. It always involves a house, the house is an older one and looks terribly familiar. Sometimes it resembles my grandparent's house,  yet the inside isn't always the same as theirs was. Either way, it's always the same house. Two of my friends have also dreamed about this same house. Each dream is different from the others. I don't know what to think, but I believe that has to mean something.


Last night I dreamt about Kenneth ignoring me. The entire dream he just was aloof and he acted like he didn't even want to be around me. In the end of the dream, he said he'd call me and I told him not to bother. I guess that means we broke up... it was so real that when I woke up, I was so angry and upset until I realized it had been a dream.

"When the waking world seeps into the slumbering one, the line between the two blurs long enough for anything to be possible."

It bothers me that that is what I was dreaming of. Is there something my subconscious trying to tell me? Maybe it's just that if that were to happen, breaking up would be the result. I truly need for my boyfriends to be there for me 100%. I need their love and attention. Always.

Regardless, two other people had a dream about me and Ken last night... how weird is that? Very different dreams, but dreams about us none the less. Maybe it's a sign?

Stay tuned for the next two blogs I'll be posting today!

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

Full Moon Madness

The Full Moon Effect:


I missed  a post yesterday, not that it bothers anyone else but myself. Anyways, tomorrow is the full moon and of course everyone in this town is going crazy. I, myself feel strange. More restless than normal and far more agitated. I could blame a number of things on my astounding frustrations, but I'm blaming the moon. It's crazy how much it effects people. Women especially.

I'm so not prepared to work tomorrow, I just know it's going to be one big hassle. I'm sure no harm was meant by a switch at work, but it more than screws me over. I think I may have a solution, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place. It really wasn't fair to anyone and the manager that approved the change was just trying to piss off the other manager. You're an adult. Act like one.


In other news, my knee is getting looked at on Friday. I'm terrified. I really dislike the thought of surgery, scars, the whole nine yards. I just don't want it to be that serious, yet at the same time if it fixes it permanently, I'm going to suck it up. Until then, it's a struggle between pain management and trying to do things with a braced knee.

Today's Toddler Tutorial went really well and I got a ton of compliments from my managers. It's so rewarding to hear that for once, you don't get that at job numero uno. Only thing is, being on my knees (okay you pervs, not like that...) at job number two kills my injury. I'm starting to wonder if that's what flared up the problem again.

Welp, I think that's enough for now... tomorrow, I'm going to write two entries to catch up again.

"Everyone is a moon, each has a dark side which he never shows anyone."