Mirrors

Well dear readers, I have my first blog follower. Of course it's a close friend, but the discovery of this fact still made me smile (ahoy Sarah!)


 A great deal of tonight was spent talking, and it felt wonderful. It's one of those moments where someone picks your brain and pulls out thoughts and ideas you didn't know you had. It was also one of those times where you can see yourself in the person you're talking with. My friend that spent the greater part of tonight talking through life with me reminds me of me... a better me, but me nonetheless. He's what I wish I could be, outspoken, far wiser than I, and not afraid of anything. We think alike on most subjects and he is always a great one to spark a conversation with because he knows everything. Obscure facts are one of my favorite things and he knows just about as many as I do. His thought processes are similar to mine as well, and that makes being on the same track all too easy.

I'm happy that I was able to vent some of my fears and concerns about this upcoming month. You see, my boyfriend is attempting to quit smoking, and he has never had to attempt this since he began. I'm not sure how he will do, but I am worried. I have faith in him, of course, I just... don't deal well with things like this.

My bed is calling me especially loudly tonight as I haven't turned on the heater for my apartment yet. The temperature is hovering in the low 50's all this week and I'm freezing. After the blistering heat of the last few months, I'm glad for a break, but I wish we could have had a bit more fall weather before it got chilly. I feel like it's going to be a normal winter this year in Pittsburgh. I'd better start digging all my winter clothing and pull out the heavy blankets. I'm such a temperature freak... too hot? Too cold? Never just right.

I guess I'll never be Goldilocks.

Maybe time for a move?

Smoke Rings

Well, I finished reading the Virgin Suicides in two days... it would have taken me less time if I didn't have to do other stuff in between. I could literally not put it down. As per usual, I enjoyed the book far more than I enjoyed the movie... which is one of my favorites. I was absolutely floored by the amount of detail that the author, Jeffrey Eugenides, went into in not only describing the girls as a group, but also as individuals. Each of them were very different and I felt like I knew them by the end of the book.

I chose a really shitty time to start reading the novel, unfortunately. Lets just say that I can't win in war... or in love. Every word I say only harms my case, and only pushes the issue instead of helping... what I am attempting to to. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I worry constantly. And I'm beginning to doubt myself.

The book furthered my sorrows, but calmed me in a strange way. I felt like I could relate to the Lisbon girls. I could always understand their strangled existence. Have you ever felt so caged in that you can barely breathe? You aren't sure what is the cause but the air just has a closeness that simply envelopes your entire being. I've been feeling that way on and off for years now, and to this day I cannot decide the remedy. I also relate to their individual torture. Their parents stifled who they were because they believed it was right. My parent's didn't exactly stifle me (I was far too willful) but, they did not exactly be silent in their judgement and disapproval. To this day, I'm still terrified of disappointing them; I don't think that will ever go away.

I guess I'll never get why they were how they were or hell... why I am who I am, but my best bet is that past experience builds your adult self.

And all I can say, is that I hope things get better... I think I've earned it.

"She kept her face to the floor, moving in her personal oblivion, her
sunflower eyes fixed on the predicament of her life we would never
understand."

Love...?

What is love? No, this isn't an intro to a truly overplayed song. That very question is one of the fundamental and philosophical questions of life. Love cannot be defined by any one explanation and honestly, I don't think there is any one answer. Love is a personal and individual experience for everyone.

I guess, to me, love is

• the smile that lingers on my face when we part ways. 
• the ease that I fall asleep when he's here just because I can hear him breathing next to me.
• the race in my heartbeat when I know see him the first time during the day.
• the way his smile makes my head spin.
• the fact that he's the only one who makes me feel beautiful.
• when we get drunk together and just laugh all night long.
• our 2am dinners and late night tv marathons.
• our inside jokes.
• the way I feel when I hear my phone going off, knowing that he's that he's thought of me enough to pop in and remind me that he loves me.
• how he always refers to me as his girlfriend, not just Emma.
• how he thinks of my very best friends as his too.
• that he makes my apartment seem so cozy instead of small and stuffy when I'm alone. 
• that he wants the best for me.
• that he's my own personal cheering section.
• that he would sacrifice the things he loves the most just to have a future with me

There's millions of other things that make love what it is to me. I guess I just feel lucky in having someone that makes me feel... whole. He's one of those people that just warm up your entire being. He is my sunshine.

Unfortunately, for every story of love, there are still more stories of heartache. Within the past week, I've heard two very different tales of woe; both are friends and both are people that don't have any clue what to do now. The amount of time that you invest into a relationship ties you closer to said significant other, and both of these people invested a lot into each of their relationships. 

Without going into too many details (for the sake of these friends) I'll simply state that from what I do know about the circumstances... my ideas of love have been shot down and burned to the ground.

From what seems like the perfect relationships, there are chances that it will end. The death of a strong relationship saddens me. I worry about my own; if theirs can end, so can mine. No one wants to think that way, but I can't help it. It just isn't fair and honestly, I'm taken aback. Time changes everything, but it's not supposed to change the amount of love you have for someone. 

Maybe I'm just scared of the future, that's always been one of my biggest fears. And all I keep waiting for is someone to assure me that things will be okay, but if I was so certain of those relationships before and I was wrong... could I be wrong about so many things in my own life. I'm afraid of failing already... I don't even want to consider what the future holds. 

I guess you never really know somebody as well as you think you do. 

I just hope that I have better luck.