I'm just writing. Not thinking, but writing. Sometimes this helps, sometimes it just makes me more worried. I don't edit what I'm thinking, I'm just continuing to type what is running through my mind. I hate that I haven't been writing lately, that one year I wrote every day. All of that time, effort and ink... gone forever. Why do I give away pieces of myself to people who don't deserve it? All I want is that book back... I want to reflect on who I was, maybe I can figure out who I want to be. I know I'm not what I want to be, but I have hope that I can change. Maybe.
This self-esteem, terrible insecurity issue I have is starting to strangle me, I feel like I can't breathe anymore in my own skin. I feel awkward around my friends because I consider them absolutely gorgeous... what's worse, I can't even discuss this with anyone. I don't want them to think it pains me to be around them, sometimes it does though. They'd blame themselves, I don't want that. I want them to understand that it's my problem, my brain, my struggle.
I keep coming back to the same idea: How can I expect anyone else to love me, if I don't even like myself?
Disgusting thoughts. It's beyond old, I have felt the same way most of my life and yet I still struggle with it. If I can't get past it, and changing is a slow, painful option... I'm not sure where that leaves me. Maybe something will snap and I'll go gung-ho differ myself.
If I can manage to do anything I put myself to, why can't I like who I am?
I hate the passage of time, the vines growing on the side of the house, suffocating what memories are resting there; where my childhood is bright and sunny. The hillside that we played army men and beat the boys every time by out smarting them. The kitchen that smells of whole-wheat waffles and orange juice. The front porch that we watched the summer sun set. It kills me that we can't return to that place that is very much a part of my family's past.
I'm getting to the point of life that life and death are starting to intersect. You only experience this a few times in a lifetime; birth, adulthood and death. Each of those times are times of great celebration: births of babies, new marriages, engagements, new homes and jobs... they are also times of great sadness: grandparents, parents and friends are lost, people die, and chapters end.
I'd give anything to be a child again. The pure bliss of not knowing such sadness, or pain. My childhood memories are hazy, and golden. I was one of the lucky ones, someone who had just enough at all times. I was never spoiled, never neglected. My parents stuck together, loved us with all of their hearts, and gave us every opportunity they could afford.
It was only when I became a teenager when things fell apart. I'm sure I never made it easy, the Aries that I am was and is very stubborn. My parents aren't perfect, and we fought insistently. To this day, that relationship is still fractured, like an old injury; a broken bone that healed, but you can always see the difference in the terrain of your skin. The tiny peak of arched bone in my left foot from freshman year of college. Each time I look at it I see that summer, and each time I think back to the years behind me, there is the ugly cloud covering most of my recent memories. The teenage years were gray and cold.
I am just a person, and these are only words. It may not mean anything to any of you, my dear readers, but this is my life. Things I have stated here, not even my closest friends, nor even my boyfriend are aware of. My throat gets so dry and simply aches each time I try to force out these thunderstorms of my subconscious thoughts. Even right now, as I sit here in my warm apartment, cuddling with my kitty, watching movies and sipping tea, these thoughts are tormenting me. They're always on the periphery of my thoughts and try as I might... they consume me.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Halloween Conundrum
Hey everyone, another frivolous post this evening, but we are less than a month away from my favorite holiday of the year, Halloween. I know what I'm doing for my first costume, but I can't decide what I want to do for the other two or three of them. In case you couldn't tell, I go hard for Halloween. Besides that there are parties going on all month that I want to attend.
Anyways, the first costume is for my Adventure Time party that I'm hosting. My best friend and I are going to be Cake the Cat and Fiona the Human
I think it's the perfect idea because we are those characters, through and through.
These are the alternate costume ideas:
Anyways, the first costume is for my Adventure Time party that I'm hosting. My best friend and I are going to be Cake the Cat and Fiona the Human
These are the alternate costume ideas:
Lumpy Space Princess
Beer Wench
Pirate
Ursula
My own rendition of Oogie Boogie
OR....
Glinda the Good Witch
Too many choices. I wish I could pick... Ugh. Happy Haunting kids.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Found
I found this website a while back that had to do with numerology. I finally got around to reading what it said about me and I found it really interesting. It's like they know me, somehow, someway...
Anyways, here's what it said about me:
Report for Emma, born 30/03/1990.
Your Life Path number is 7.
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it's not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration and because there is such a negative attitude. The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or in some way is not being fairly treated. Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.
Your Expression Number is 5.
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Pinnacles and Challenges
The pinnacles and challenges in your life show your response to your environment during the period of time that these influences are in effect. The timing of pinnacles and challenges are simultaneous, and mark the four phases of your life. The pinnacle number is usually considered a benevolent force, while the challenge number is just that, a challenge during those years.
The first Pinnacle...6
As a young person you are likely to find much duty and responsibility related to home and family. There may be strong feelings of limitations because of these pressures. Ill-advised marriages at an early age sometimes occur. It is a period for you to attend to the demands made on you for family and close friends rather than self. Often, the six pinnacle suggests a person who is under the close dictates of a parent or of some authority figure.
Second Pinnacle...4
With the number 4 second pinnacle, your ability to get ahead and achieve will no doubt be directly associated with your ability to out work the competition. Sometimes, this pinnacle brings a sense of economic limitation.This is likely to be a period of building and steady growth.
Third Pinnacle...1
With the third pinnacle providing number 1 energies a degree of aggressiveness becomes apparent in your demeanor. Your ability to get ahead and develop your talents is limited only by your own initiative. Your achievements are likely to be very apparent to the public and a sense of independence allows you to assume a leadership role.
Fourth Pinnacle...4
With the number 4 fourth pinnacle, any desire to retire or slow down is not likely to be fulfilled. You are not the type to relax and enjoy leisure activities. It is important to work and feel the sense of accomplishment. In some unfortunate cases, economic conditions retard the ability to retire and enjoy life.
Your first challenge, starting at birth and lasting until age 29 is a number 0. The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make their own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers. You will need the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.
Your second challenge, starts the following year and lasts until age 38 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Your third challenge, starts the next year and lasts until age 47 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Your fourth challenge will last for the remainder of your life, and is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Anyways, here's what it said about me:
Report for Emma, born 30/03/1990.
Your Life Path number is 7.
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it's not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration and because there is such a negative attitude. The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or in some way is not being fairly treated. Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.
Your Expression Number is 5.
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Pinnacles and Challenges
The pinnacles and challenges in your life show your response to your environment during the period of time that these influences are in effect. The timing of pinnacles and challenges are simultaneous, and mark the four phases of your life. The pinnacle number is usually considered a benevolent force, while the challenge number is just that, a challenge during those years.
The first Pinnacle...6
As a young person you are likely to find much duty and responsibility related to home and family. There may be strong feelings of limitations because of these pressures. Ill-advised marriages at an early age sometimes occur. It is a period for you to attend to the demands made on you for family and close friends rather than self. Often, the six pinnacle suggests a person who is under the close dictates of a parent or of some authority figure.
Second Pinnacle...4
With the number 4 second pinnacle, your ability to get ahead and achieve will no doubt be directly associated with your ability to out work the competition. Sometimes, this pinnacle brings a sense of economic limitation.This is likely to be a period of building and steady growth.
Third Pinnacle...1
With the third pinnacle providing number 1 energies a degree of aggressiveness becomes apparent in your demeanor. Your ability to get ahead and develop your talents is limited only by your own initiative. Your achievements are likely to be very apparent to the public and a sense of independence allows you to assume a leadership role.
Fourth Pinnacle...4
With the number 4 fourth pinnacle, any desire to retire or slow down is not likely to be fulfilled. You are not the type to relax and enjoy leisure activities. It is important to work and feel the sense of accomplishment. In some unfortunate cases, economic conditions retard the ability to retire and enjoy life.
Your first challenge, starting at birth and lasting until age 29 is a number 0. The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make their own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers. You will need the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.
Your second challenge, starts the following year and lasts until age 38 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Your third challenge, starts the next year and lasts until age 47 is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Your fourth challenge will last for the remainder of your life, and is a number 2. The challenge of the number 2 suggests you are likely to be extremely sensitive and more or less brimming with feeling. You find it hard to work with people because your are afraid of being criticized or, worse yet, ignored. You have a good deal of self-doubt and a definite lack of self confidence. There is a tendency to constantly worry about the opinion that others have of you. There is likewise a tendency to use this sensitivity in a negative way. Used more positively, your keen sensitivities can be a significant strength, allowing you to be acutely aware of so much of with others rarely perceive. But during this period it will be hard for you to assert yourself and make decisions. You will shy away from positions of authority and responsibility. This can be a time for accumulation of wisdom, as you show patience and pay close attention to detail. Try not to take things too personally. Friendships are a source of deep satisfaction to you during this time. Respect your ability to compromise and grow in a quiet way. Do not let details overwhelm you and keep you from seeing the big picture. Plan for slow growth rather than immediate gain.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11... Eleven Years Later
Eleven years ago today, I woke up excited to be leaving for vacation after school that day. I was sitting in study hall when a teacher rushed into the room and turned on the tv, the first tower was already on fire. I stared at the screen trying to figure out what movie we were watching that would show such violence. Then I realized that it was truly happening miles and miles away. Then the second plane approached as my heart sank, thinking of all the people that were trapped in those buildings. I just put my head down and cried. People can argue the politics of the matter, the motives, the reasons... but the fact is that 3,000 innocent people who were just going about their day lost their lives... lives that should NEVER be forgotten. Always remember today, for their sakes if nothing else.
To quote of of my favorite books, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is about a post 9/11 NYC and a little boy who lost his dad to the towers:
“She died in my arms, saying, "I don't want to die." That is what death is like. It doesn't matter what uniforms the soldiers are wearing. It doesn't matter how good the weapons are. I thought if everyone could see what I saw, we would never have war anymore.”
Forever in our hearts, Never forgotten.
To quote of of my favorite books, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is about a post 9/11 NYC and a little boy who lost his dad to the towers:
“She died in my arms, saying, "I don't want to die." That is what death is like. It doesn't matter what uniforms the soldiers are wearing. It doesn't matter how good the weapons are. I thought if everyone could see what I saw, we would never have war anymore.”
Forever in our hearts, Never forgotten.
Monday, September 10, 2012
You
You are the one who knows every part of me.
You know my every move, my every reaction, my every thought without the slightest prompting.
You read my mind easier than so many others.
You have the ability to make me smile when I feel like breaking down.
You make me feel as if my back isn't against the flames, but merely that I'm pushing through the pain to something better.
You make me feel strong when I know I am most weak.
You make me feel beautiful when my world is full of people more intensely gorgeous than I could ever hope to be.
You make me feel safe, when I feel as if I need to run for the hills and the sea.
You hold me down, yet you let my head drift in the clouds.
You balance me out.
You are by my side in my favorite memories, and you're in all my future plans.
You have a smile that lights up my entire world.
You have eyes that could make the coldest heart melt, as you've made mine.
Tu es mon ami, mon amour, mon tout. Toujours et pour toujours.
Je vous promets...
You know my every move, my every reaction, my every thought without the slightest prompting.
You read my mind easier than so many others.
You have the ability to make me smile when I feel like breaking down.
You make me feel as if my back isn't against the flames, but merely that I'm pushing through the pain to something better.
You make me feel strong when I know I am most weak.
You make me feel beautiful when my world is full of people more intensely gorgeous than I could ever hope to be.
You make me feel safe, when I feel as if I need to run for the hills and the sea.
You hold me down, yet you let my head drift in the clouds.
You balance me out.
You are by my side in my favorite memories, and you're in all my future plans.
You have a smile that lights up my entire world.
You have eyes that could make the coldest heart melt, as you've made mine.
Tu es mon ami, mon amour, mon tout. Toujours et pour toujours.
Je vous promets...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The Things We Never Say
I cannot believe that that really happened. Honestly, I have no words. I just want to scream in your face and tell you what I really think of you, but I know it isn't my place. Just know, I'm done.
It's one of those weeks that felt like it would never end, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The cherry on top was some absolutely terrible news that I really cannot discuss. Lets just say that my trust has been shaken.
I am fascinated by society's inner workings; by how people react to one another, by the rankings and rating we label ourselves with, and just the interactions between people. I like to try to analyze why we do the things that we do, and most of the time I can read someone like a book. I rarely am mistaken, but this time I was far from the truth. It completely blows my mind how wrong I was. It also royally pisses me off that in the situation that mattered more than the rest, I failed to notice the small things that were a tattle-tale red flag. Hell, the entire situation is littered with them now that I can take a step back.
It makes me wonder how many other things I could be missing. Especially within my own life, I do not want to be wrong about anyone. I want to know people for who they really are and people are tricky, they love to wear masks.
I have a love-hate relationships with masks, in any sense. I feel like we hide under layers of them every day. Worst of all, I myself are an offender. Sometimes I'd love to be invisible, to not be judged by every person I come across. I'd love to just put on a mask and transform into something... beautiful, at least to society. I'm this nation's sad little underdog... a recent college-grad, living alone, working minimum wage job(s), spending very little money because I have none. I contribute little to this place, and sometimes I just feel like I'm not doing enough.
Getting by isn't enough, I guess.
It's one of those weeks that felt like it would never end, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The cherry on top was some absolutely terrible news that I really cannot discuss. Lets just say that my trust has been shaken.
I am fascinated by society's inner workings; by how people react to one another, by the rankings and rating we label ourselves with, and just the interactions between people. I like to try to analyze why we do the things that we do, and most of the time I can read someone like a book. I rarely am mistaken, but this time I was far from the truth. It completely blows my mind how wrong I was. It also royally pisses me off that in the situation that mattered more than the rest, I failed to notice the small things that were a tattle-tale red flag. Hell, the entire situation is littered with them now that I can take a step back.
It makes me wonder how many other things I could be missing. Especially within my own life, I do not want to be wrong about anyone. I want to know people for who they really are and people are tricky, they love to wear masks.
I have a love-hate relationships with masks, in any sense. I feel like we hide under layers of them every day. Worst of all, I myself are an offender. Sometimes I'd love to be invisible, to not be judged by every person I come across. I'd love to just put on a mask and transform into something... beautiful, at least to society. I'm this nation's sad little underdog... a recent college-grad, living alone, working minimum wage job(s), spending very little money because I have none. I contribute little to this place, and sometimes I just feel like I'm not doing enough.
Getting by isn't enough, I guess.
"Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend."
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Day 20 of 20
Today was the twentieth day in a row that I have worked. Now, I'm not doing break-backing work, but honestly... I'm more exhausted than ever. I just want to stay in bed all day, sleeping. Tomorrow is my only day off before another fourteen days in a row. I'm hoping to relax, yet to get things done. I desperately need to do laundry, but with my injury, that's been impossible.
Oh wait, I need to tell you all about that little bit of insanity. I sprained not one, but both of my ankles simultaneously. Lets just say that sidewalks/curbs do not like me. The many days that I have been working on them have been keeping me in constant pain. Not to mention that I haven't had time to do anything I've really wanted to: house work, doing anything with my photography, or even seeing friends.
My best friend's car is in the shop so I haven't seen her in far too long, especially since seeing friends keeps me sane during these intense work weeks. Therefore the past two Wednesdays (our normal bar night), it's just been me and the boy.
There's nothing wrong with that, but it just feels weird not having the whole gang around. Ken's been keeping me happy through all of this, but I've been just lost.
When no one's around, I'm just... sad. I can't even pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, I just know that there's something. I need something, but what?
Oh wait, I need to tell you all about that little bit of insanity. I sprained not one, but both of my ankles simultaneously. Lets just say that sidewalks/curbs do not like me. The many days that I have been working on them have been keeping me in constant pain. Not to mention that I haven't had time to do anything I've really wanted to: house work, doing anything with my photography, or even seeing friends.
My best friend's car is in the shop so I haven't seen her in far too long, especially since seeing friends keeps me sane during these intense work weeks. Therefore the past two Wednesdays (our normal bar night), it's just been me and the boy.
There's nothing wrong with that, but it just feels weird not having the whole gang around. Ken's been keeping me happy through all of this, but I've been just lost.
When no one's around, I'm just... sad. I can't even pinpoint what exactly is bothering me, I just know that there's something. I need something, but what?
"Life is too precious to give another minute to anyone or anything that doesn't make you happy."
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The Next Step
So with the craziness of life I've let myself go without blogging for more than a month. Sorry guys, I already broke my promise ... but cest le vie.
My goal has been to start blogging again as a post-college degree grad living in the real world for the first time. I wanted to begin writing again when Point Park went back to classes, and for the first time... I wouldn't be going back. Welp, I missed a few days... but, here I am back in the game.
So now it's September and it is 1:20 in the afternoon and I'm sitting on my bed, writing.
More to come folks, don't lose faith in me just yet.
"It's times like these, time and time again."
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