Winter Curse

Is anyone still reading, or have you all given up on me? I'm sorry I've been absent, but some things... well a lot of things have been weighing on my mind. It's honestly been one of the roughest years in my life. I expect plenty more to come, but for now, I'll remember this as my worst year.

Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in December. If you told me this five years ago, I would never believe you. He's the healthy one in the family; he's our rock, our anchor. Without him at full strength, who knows what will happen to the family. I desperately hope that his symptoms progress slowly. Thus far he has only a resting tremor in his left arm. The doctors assure us, like anything else, is best caught early on, but I'm unsure. I've never seen my father look so old. He's always been extremely youthful, and full of life. I swear the man never rests, the Energizer Bunny... even when he's off of work, he is working.

Working on the house, on the yard, on windows, and cleaning other people's messes. And for what? Us. My siblings and I, my mother... the cats (of course). For us to live the way he believes we deserve, my father breaks his back. I can never ever repay the man, except in the happiness I exude in his presence. I think that's the only way that he can see how proud of him I am, and how grateful. He is honestly the best man I know, or ever hope to know and I am beyond blessed to have him for a dad.

No other man can measure up to a woman's Daddy, but some go above and beyond, like mine. With this illness looming over our futures, my family and mine, the only think I can think to do is to make the best of today. I sit a little longer with him, listen more carefully to his words, try to memorize every moment we share  for the gray days ahead. Then I can say, "Dad, do you remember those nights we listened to Styx for hours in the van in front of my apartment building, even though it was freezing cold outside and the car was off?"

Recently, I've begun to wonder if he notices my efforts. I'll put on more and more songs for us to sing along with, I ask him more questions about his thoughts on things, I try to stretch the time we spend together further and further. If anything, I just hope he enjoys it as much as I do.

In other news

Really though guys, I just can't think to much about my father's situation without falling into a deep depression. I just need to keep strong for him.

Anyways, hey did you know it's February?

Holy chit ladies and gents, when did that happen?

My birthday is just around the corner and I'm trying to decide what I'd like to do.

Plan A:
Day drinking at bowling alley
Primanti's
Back to my house for pre-gaming
Sideline's
Party at my place

Plan B:
Day drinking at my place
Video games galore
Pregaming
Sideline's
Party at my place

Either way, I just want to spend the day with my best friends. Things have been so weird and I feel like I'm back in hermit mode, or as I like to call it : exile.

Maybe not forced exile, like the situation I'm in with most of my friends, but a mutual failure to live. Let me explain, at this age we are all either in debt, broke, stranded, or working. I happen to be the lovely super combo: no car, no money, in debt from college, and a workaholic (with two jobs). My friends are combinations of those things as well which means we all apply some sort of restrictions on ourselves, or we are forced into a schedule we cannot break.

It is the most impossible trap to crawl out of, something has to give, but no one can afford to make a move. Plans, unfortunately are the easiest thing to give up.

I'm rooting for Spring to get here, to let the light back into our gray world. I'm fed up with the somber pit that has engulfed my spirit. I just want to fly free again,  and to live for the memories I will create. Please let a little light shine down on this dismal Steel Jungle.

"Once there was the sun Bright and warm and wonderful Just like the love within my heart Now there's no more sun Winter has killed everything Although it's dark December Forever I'll remember sun"

Hopefully you'll hear from me again soon.
Em

Lists

Happy Thanksgiving all! Now beyond all the seriously effed up origins of this holiday (cough-genocide-cough) I really do enjoy this day every year. I guess that's in-part to the fact that living all alone leads to a lot of pasta/sandwich/ramen/odd dinners. I love home cooked food more than anything and I personally love to cook, but when there's only you, it can be hard to keep fresh ingredients around. Things go bad before I can eat them, and I loathe wasting. So in the end, I only buy certain things, in set amounts that I know I can eat before the next time I go shopping.

Anyways, I love going home for some mother-made meals! It gets even better when I realize that I can have these immense, delicious meals and not have to wash all of the dishes afterwards. I know that's probably a little selfish of me, but hey... I'm used to having a dishwasher to do those sorts of things, or a mother that did them herself until I was older. Here, I've been washing my own dishes for so long. Yes, I do realize that  I  make most of the dishes dirty myself, but sometimes when I have people over for dinner, I'd love a hand in cleaning that mess up... but I'm by my lonesome. So going home is a treat in that aspect too, I can just eat, enjoy myself, and have fun.

I'm wondering if I've outgrown the days when every time I interacted with my mother, especially on holidays and special occasions, we'd get into catastrophic style arguments. Literally, every single holiday. Oh the teenaged years. I should have learned to pick my battles. Thankfully (ah ah see what I did there?) I think I've surpassed those years and going home is a really exciting moment for me. Thanks for hanging with me Mum, I know it wasn't easy.

So now onto the good part, the people in my life that I am thankful for: my family, Kemmif, Zy, Sarah-ra-ra &Ryan, my BL (Lea Joy), Nikita, Erika, ALL of my work friends (both jobs too), Lucas, Panza, Theo, Hub & Flash,  and far too many other people to list. You guys should know I'm not good with lists. I think I have a perfect list in my head, but then I go to write it and I forget half the things, think of new ones, or downright lose my train of thought. Then I look at the list and think 'what a pathetic little list, people are going to be wondering why you even bothered, it just looks silly.'

Yeah, thanks brain. I guess journalists or writers are never satisfied with the look of our own work. We always push for perfection.


Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you have a happy, warm, and safe one. I know I'll be spending mine playing the new Wii-U with my family and boyfriend at my parents house.

Oh and happy first day off in 18 days. Yay!

November: the Month That Wasn't

Hey guys,

So I'm just sitting here wondering what ever happened to November. Of course, it comes every year, but as I get older I'm noticing that it is growing less and less important. Okay, for instance, I've been seeing obscure Christmas advertisements since September. Why is it that businesses need to saturate my days with Christmas ads? As if I don't already know that it's coming up... as if I don't know that I'll be spending far too much on presents this year. I just don't understand.

Not only are the ads under my skin, the holiday music is ALREADY playing everywhere. It's freaking November. You know the month before December? Yeah it still exists. I adore Christmas music, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but after a while it really wears on my nerves. I guess I don't understand why it has to play all the time.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving next, sorry America. I like to take my holidays one at a time and I definitely do not like to rush anything. This world is constantly urging me onto the next thing before I've finished with the first. It's just not natural and certainly not for me. I'd rather slow down and take my time, but apparently that way of thinking has long since died out. It's unfortunate because I think people would be far less stressed out if the world just slowed down, even just a little bit.

Personally, the holidays are a very expensive time for me. Not only is there Christmas to buy for, but my anniversary with my boyfriend is three days later. So double gifts must be bought and thought of, which is the worst part for me. I can't always think of things that people would want and they usually don't give me any hints. It's just stressful, when it really shouldn't be. I miss my childhood when things were so much simpler. I want THAT holiday season back, please?

So happy November dear readers, try to enjoy it without THE holidays looming over your head. I know I'll be sitting back, eating some turkey with my family and enjoying the time we have instead of thinking about something that is a month away.

Skin

Sorry I haven't written in a while guys, I've just been feeling very... awkward. Almost as if I can't think of things to say about anything anymore. It's really bothering me, especially since writing is one of the only things that keeps me sane anymore.


Lets see... for one thing, the lines on my skin are back with a vengeance. I have a skin condition called Dermatographic urticaria, better known as Dermogaphism. That pretty much means that my skin is allergic to contact with other things. In my case, it's itching, or things that drag across my skin that creates raised lines. It is really embarrassing, especially when I'm out in public. I really just wish that they would go away. The funny thing is, this time last year, they weren't nearly as bad. It's just gross, and what's worse, it grosses out my boyfriend. As if I'm not already super self-conscious about myself, this adds to it. I don't want him to be disturbed by anything about me... so something that is beyond my control is the last thing I need. I could medicate myself, take some allergy medicine every day... but who needs that? I don't like medicines in general, much less the exorbitant costs of the damn things.

I feel terrible.

Oh, and hello winter depression... again.

Mirrors

Well dear readers, I have my first blog follower. Of course it's a close friend, but the discovery of this fact still made me smile (ahoy Sarah!)


 A great deal of tonight was spent talking, and it felt wonderful. It's one of those moments where someone picks your brain and pulls out thoughts and ideas you didn't know you had. It was also one of those times where you can see yourself in the person you're talking with. My friend that spent the greater part of tonight talking through life with me reminds me of me... a better me, but me nonetheless. He's what I wish I could be, outspoken, far wiser than I, and not afraid of anything. We think alike on most subjects and he is always a great one to spark a conversation with because he knows everything. Obscure facts are one of my favorite things and he knows just about as many as I do. His thought processes are similar to mine as well, and that makes being on the same track all too easy.

I'm happy that I was able to vent some of my fears and concerns about this upcoming month. You see, my boyfriend is attempting to quit smoking, and he has never had to attempt this since he began. I'm not sure how he will do, but I am worried. I have faith in him, of course, I just... don't deal well with things like this.

My bed is calling me especially loudly tonight as I haven't turned on the heater for my apartment yet. The temperature is hovering in the low 50's all this week and I'm freezing. After the blistering heat of the last few months, I'm glad for a break, but I wish we could have had a bit more fall weather before it got chilly. I feel like it's going to be a normal winter this year in Pittsburgh. I'd better start digging all my winter clothing and pull out the heavy blankets. I'm such a temperature freak... too hot? Too cold? Never just right.

I guess I'll never be Goldilocks.

Maybe time for a move?

Smoke Rings

Well, I finished reading the Virgin Suicides in two days... it would have taken me less time if I didn't have to do other stuff in between. I could literally not put it down. As per usual, I enjoyed the book far more than I enjoyed the movie... which is one of my favorites. I was absolutely floored by the amount of detail that the author, Jeffrey Eugenides, went into in not only describing the girls as a group, but also as individuals. Each of them were very different and I felt like I knew them by the end of the book.

I chose a really shitty time to start reading the novel, unfortunately. Lets just say that I can't win in war... or in love. Every word I say only harms my case, and only pushes the issue instead of helping... what I am attempting to to. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I worry constantly. And I'm beginning to doubt myself.

The book furthered my sorrows, but calmed me in a strange way. I felt like I could relate to the Lisbon girls. I could always understand their strangled existence. Have you ever felt so caged in that you can barely breathe? You aren't sure what is the cause but the air just has a closeness that simply envelopes your entire being. I've been feeling that way on and off for years now, and to this day I cannot decide the remedy. I also relate to their individual torture. Their parents stifled who they were because they believed it was right. My parent's didn't exactly stifle me (I was far too willful) but, they did not exactly be silent in their judgement and disapproval. To this day, I'm still terrified of disappointing them; I don't think that will ever go away.

I guess I'll never get why they were how they were or hell... why I am who I am, but my best bet is that past experience builds your adult self.

And all I can say, is that I hope things get better... I think I've earned it.

"She kept her face to the floor, moving in her personal oblivion, her
sunflower eyes fixed on the predicament of her life we would never
understand."

Love...?

What is love? No, this isn't an intro to a truly overplayed song. That very question is one of the fundamental and philosophical questions of life. Love cannot be defined by any one explanation and honestly, I don't think there is any one answer. Love is a personal and individual experience for everyone.

I guess, to me, love is

• the smile that lingers on my face when we part ways. 
• the ease that I fall asleep when he's here just because I can hear him breathing next to me.
• the race in my heartbeat when I know see him the first time during the day.
• the way his smile makes my head spin.
• the fact that he's the only one who makes me feel beautiful.
• when we get drunk together and just laugh all night long.
• our 2am dinners and late night tv marathons.
• our inside jokes.
• the way I feel when I hear my phone going off, knowing that he's that he's thought of me enough to pop in and remind me that he loves me.
• how he always refers to me as his girlfriend, not just Emma.
• how he thinks of my very best friends as his too.
• that he makes my apartment seem so cozy instead of small and stuffy when I'm alone. 
• that he wants the best for me.
• that he's my own personal cheering section.
• that he would sacrifice the things he loves the most just to have a future with me

There's millions of other things that make love what it is to me. I guess I just feel lucky in having someone that makes me feel... whole. He's one of those people that just warm up your entire being. He is my sunshine.

Unfortunately, for every story of love, there are still more stories of heartache. Within the past week, I've heard two very different tales of woe; both are friends and both are people that don't have any clue what to do now. The amount of time that you invest into a relationship ties you closer to said significant other, and both of these people invested a lot into each of their relationships. 

Without going into too many details (for the sake of these friends) I'll simply state that from what I do know about the circumstances... my ideas of love have been shot down and burned to the ground.

From what seems like the perfect relationships, there are chances that it will end. The death of a strong relationship saddens me. I worry about my own; if theirs can end, so can mine. No one wants to think that way, but I can't help it. It just isn't fair and honestly, I'm taken aback. Time changes everything, but it's not supposed to change the amount of love you have for someone. 

Maybe I'm just scared of the future, that's always been one of my biggest fears. And all I keep waiting for is someone to assure me that things will be okay, but if I was so certain of those relationships before and I was wrong... could I be wrong about so many things in my own life. I'm afraid of failing already... I don't even want to consider what the future holds. 

I guess you never really know somebody as well as you think you do. 

I just hope that I have better luck.