Chesney's Coming to Town

Sorry for the late post, whoever you are. I just got back from an adventure across town... we picked a terrible night to do so. Kenny Chesney was having his almost annual summer concert tonight and town was FULL to the brim with drunken Pittsburghers. The air literally was scented with the smell of beer. There were people walking on the sides of the highway, and I counted at least twenty cops over the course of the drive.

Anyways, today's topic is:
Pain.


For about the past week or so, my knee has been in such excruciating pain. It locks in either the bent or straightened position and it doesn't seem to like going back and fourth between the two. I have no idea what is wrong with it. The only thing I can possibly think of, is when I hyper-extended it back in high school. I should have gotten the surgery then to correct the messed up cap, but I was too chicken to do so. I guess that's why it's acting up so badly now.

I'm normally very good with pain, but this is just annoying. Sitting in the car for hours with my legs bent and pushed up against the dash board (I have long legs) was killing me! Even as I sit here with my laptop on my lap (who'da thunk it?) is starting to prickle my knee with pain. I have no idea what to do about this. Surgery would be the smart move and would probably prevent future damage, but I can't afford it.

I just graduated this past spring, my loans are going to start rolling in.

I live alone, so I foot all of my expenses myself.

I work two jobs that I just can't ask for leave from unless something bad happens (ex: when I broke my foot.)

I dunno guys, I just feel like it's hopeless. I just want to wake up one day and hope that it stops hurting... wishful thinking huh?



Sometimes wishes come true, right?

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."

Changes

As a simple introduction, I'm Emma and I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can. There's a lot of things I'm still learning from this world. I like to analyse situations, people, and actions. I find that there is so much beauty in this world if we really look at it. I am a firm believer in keeping some sort of journal, hence this blog. Maybe I won't tell you guys everything, but I'll tell you what matters. Sometimes I suffer from extreme writer's block. I have a lot of insecurities that seem to be intensifying this year. I am still figuring out who I am, especially since I graduated this past spring. That's enough for now I suppose, but that's not to say I won't reveal more in the future.

Today's topic:  http://www.mtv.com/videos/awkward-season-2-ep-1-resolutions/1688636/playlist.jhtml

Awkward.

I adore this show. I started watching it when it began last summer and I could not wait for the season premiere, and MTV did not disappoint. Without revealing anything, let's just say I'm no longer (just) Team Jake... that is to say, I'm Team Jenna. I wish I had her balls, she just made a move that absolutely took courage.

One of my favorite quotes of all-time is:

 "She took the leap and built her wings on the way down."

I always feel like I'm cautiously toeing the lines between so many things. I bite my tongue far too often and smile away the hurt that I feel. I play nice to avoid the endless drama, and it quite frankly makes me sick. I can't figure out if it's just a part of being an adult, dealing with people you really can't stand, or if it's just me trying to avoid confrontations.

"This place is a prison and these people aren't your friends."

Maybe I need to start taking the risks that pop up in my life. You never know until you try, so why am I so afraid to just be who I am? If it bothers people, obviously they weren't meant to be in my life. I know, I know, this sounds like the diary of some middle schooler trying to figure out her life... but you know, I think we never escape who we were back then. To this day, I feel like the same high school girl that was so unsure and scared of everything. Nothing changes unless you make an effort to change it. And I'm going to start changing.

Jenna also was struggling to decide what New Year's Resolutions she should make. It occurred to me that I didn't make one this year.  So I'm making one now, I will work on my issues. How can I ask that someone love me, wholly, if I don't even love myself totally and completely? How can I expect people to want to be around me, when I can't even deal with myself sometimes? 


Things need to change.

I need to change.

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."