Annoyances

Comparisons:


We do it every day, constantly. She's prettier than me, more girls hit on him, they're always out having fun, they're more popular... and there's so many more things that we think of each and every day. It's really gotten under my skin as of late because I realize that I'm constantly comparing myself to others and it's killing my self-esteem.

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.

 Tonight I'm stressing about my knee and what the doctor is going to say to me. I'm worried about how much money I'm going to lose by not working for X-number of days... weeks. I'm worried about bills that will roll in, through sickness or health. I'm not sure if I'll be left alone to care for myself during this, or if I'll be burdening my family, or boyfriend. 


It always seems like when I need people the most, they vanish into their own worlds, into their own problems. It bothers me that when I reach out for someone to care about me, or my world, the people I'm reaching for turn their heads. It bothers me more that when other people post even the smallest complaint, other people jump to their aid. What makes my problems, or even worse, me less important than them? Do you all not realize how much that hurts my feelings?

"I'm afraid that if you look at a thing lone enough, it loses all of its meaning."

Tonight, the people that reached out to me, surprised me. A high school friend, someone whom I've never even met in person and someone who I've known for years... people that I never would have expected to care as much as they do. Especially the guy I've known, on and off, since we were about 16 years old. Why should he care more than people that in the past few years have worn the title of 'best friend'? Don't get me wrong, it means more to me that any of them probably realize that they are there... but it truly angers and saddens me that certain people don't give a damn about me. 


I guess maybe I should take a hard look at my life and the company I keep. I have a lot to think about tonight.


To those of you who tried to cheer me up tonight, I hope I can repay you someday.


And to that "on and off again friend," even if you don't care as you claim, you still cared enough to talk me out of the extreme sadness I was feeling when I posted that status. Thanks for always being my DJ, and always getting songs stuck in my head for days.




Here's to tomorrow and the uncertainty of life. I'll let you, whoever you are, know what happens.

"I tried to forget, but you grew roots around my rib cage and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones. All day, I pick at their petals, but I have not yet ascertained whether you love me or not."